Why did I ever think I was ugly
Growing up, constant yung thought ko na I'm the ugliest. Kahit saan ako magpunta. Always the ugliest in the room.
I never saw myself for anything other than my flaws. I could go on weeks not looking at mirrors kasi I hate what I look like at ayokong makita sarili ko. Socially anxious. Feeling ko jina-judge ako ng lahat, sinasabihan na pangit. Yung mga flaws ko, sobrang amplified sa utak ko. As in minsan, di ko na makilala sarili ko.
I hate photos even more. Sobrang deteriorating. Grabe yung effect sa life ko. I missed so many opportunities and lost so many people, just because my self-esteem was at the lowest of the low. I can't bear to be seen by anyone. As in gusto ko lang mawala, wag mapansin, sa sulok.
I'm doing so much better now, pero yes, still struggling with my self-esteem. Napa-scroll ako sa old pictures ko, and girl, cute naman ako ah. Or I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. Well, napabayaan ko na sarili ko kasi nga I struggled with my image/apperance, pero grabe. Yung flaws na nasa isip ko noon, hindi ko siya nakikita pag tinitignan ko mga old pictures ko.
Maybe I had body dysmorphia. And wala lang. I'm mourning. For my could have beens. For my past self.
And I'm so proud na I'm slowly getting better. Life does get better.