Feeling very lost and confused about everything right now
Hey all. Lately, I’ve been lurking around various subs for a few months now and I thought I’d try asking for some advice. I am 21 amab and I have been feeling very conflicted about my identity and whether or not I should pursue taking hormones and going through srs.
I feel fairly certain that I might be agender or gender apathetic, since I don’t really have a strong connection to gender personally, and sometimes I feel okay/apathetic about how I currently present. However, there are occasional moments where I feel I would’ve preferred being born as a girl instead. I like the idea of having more feminine features (softer and clearer skin, no body hair, slight curves and soft, squishy breasts, etc.) while still presenting neutrally. Sometimes that feeling spikes to where I have a strong desire to feel more cute/feminine and wanting to wear cute clothes (princess gowns, school girl uniforms, skirts and socks and comfy sweaters). But when I try picturing my current self in those outfits, I feel uncomfortable and dysphoric about me not being feminine enough and not having the right body for them. Other times I wish I just had a neutral body, with a preference leaning towards a feminine one if I had to pick between that or a masculine one. There are times when I feel disconnected from being human entirely as well.
I feel really disconnected from other guys and wish to not associate myself with masculinity and the whole toxic culture they are often associated with-I would much prefer to be neutral or slightly feminine. I don’t really relate to girls and their interests either, but would still prefer to sort of associate with them instead. I feel like they would be more caring and understanding in general, and I would feel more comfortable expressing my emotions around them.
I also feel somewhat dysphoric about my genitals, and wish I could undergo surgery to have them removed and replaced with either a vagina or possibly nothing. It would feel so much more physically comfortable without them, and I would prefer to have something that’s not associated with my agab. I wish I had a more feminine face as well, but I have no desire to go through ffs as it looks like a scary process.
In general, I just feel very confused about everything and sort of wish I didn’t have to deal with any of this, to just live life as a normal cis person. I’m considering looking into therapy, but unsure about committing to it. A part of me feels like it would just be a waste of time and money. I’m not sure if taking hormones will really help with how I feel either; it might end up making me feel even more dysphoric than before. How should I go about handling this? I feel like I just want to brush it all off and try living a “normal” life instead of feeling constant anxiety and stress.