Questioning

I had a thought. Ive identified as agender for a bit now. And i feel happy to do so however recently i think to myself "what if im doing this because i fear being afab so much that im trying to run due to how society sees me and treats me and the horrible things that are happening in the world that i am trying to run from it."

Even tho ive never enjoyed anything feminine at all, because i feel like it doesn't suit me and is never comfortable to me, ive tried makup and dresses and the whole shebang but it feels wrong and i hate it. I see to everyone else i am what i look like and i understand my external role but inside im kinda like "why am i in this body I don't want it don't look at me please do not i will crumble like pastry" (could be dysmophia or smth) If im not making sense tell me haha. Thank you for reading.