Some brutally honest advice from a trans person with a trans partner for other trans people

Hello. My partner and I have spent the last several years supporting each other through coming out and transition (30s to 40s woman + man), with some huge changes to our sense of self and identities. We both came out to each other after we were married – not a total surprise at the time since we were flavours of queer or queer adjacent before, but it was still a massive adjustment that changed our lives.

While I am sure that many people might not agree with everything I have to say about having a trans partner or being trans, all I can share is what I know from experience. My partner and I unfortunately made a lot of mistakes, terrible ones, that really hurt our relationship. Which was something I never dreamt of happening in the past, but here we are. We’re still trying to make it work, but years of strife could have been avoided if we only listened to ourselves and had some advice.

But for us, there was none. We had no support, no family or friends to guide us through this. We only recently moved to a region with a thriving queer community. But even so, there is no rulebook. It can be very isolating to transition as an adult/later in life and have your biggest romantic relationship change, even when you’re both trans. Here’s my attempt at passing along advice that may or may not help, a lot of which I wish I had gotten years ago. But as with all things trans, YMMV.

1. You are who you are. You can’t help it. This is what you need. Coming to a point of genuine, loving acceptance of yourself will help everyone in the long run. I’m not saying you have to have everything figured out right now, I certainly don’t! And I’m middle-aged! But guilt and shame factor into all of the mistakes I have listed below. You’re not just hurting yourself, but hurting the people you love in the long run by not accepting yourself. Life is short and love is grand. All anyone ever really wants is to be loved for who they are, and you will find it sooner if you let that person out.
2. Get a therapist. Even if you don’t think you need one. Even if you are ashamed to go to one. Even if you fear you cannot afford one. Hell, even talk to a counselor or a friend if you really can’t find a helpful one. It’s an investment. Due to transphobia and bureaucratic nightmares, transition (whether it’s social or medical) can be intensely stressful. Think of it this way: In an ideal world, every trans person and their loved ones would have a strong community to help talk through and support transition (financially, materially, etc.). Some lucky people have that. Many don’t. Take as many support systems as you can get! Especially a support system where you have a neutral partner in the form of a therapist to work through all the stressed-out thoughts with.
3. On that note: Your partner cannot be everything. Repeat that. Your partner cannot be everything. Parent, therapist, nurse, doctor, best friend, sex partner, spouse, etc. They cannot be every role. Granted, queer relationships often find themselves in a situation where partners end up taking on multiple roles, due to just how few of us there are and how many people deal with unaccepting families. However, it is wildly, wildly unfair to put a partner in the position of taking on all of them (regardless of being trans or not). Even if you’re scared. Even if you feel like you have no other options. I myself am estranged from my entire family. While there’s no replacing that, friends and a therapist can help offload that stress. Making your partner into everything out of fear/necessity is a surefire way to kill your relationship. No one person can handle that stress. Look into caregiver stress syndrome. That’s what you’re risking.
4. Appreciate the sacrifices and recognize them as such. Many trans people are put into unfair positions where they have to strategize how they live, where they live, their careers, etc. Partners of trans people have to do that as well. Imho that’s just part of love, but recognition and appreciation go a long way towards making your partner feel like they’re making the right decision. It makes the tough times easier to know that you’re helping the love of your life be their best selves.
5. Toxic positivity can be a coping mechanism that springs up that buries a lot of stress and issues that need to be addressed. Those issues can fester if you let them. Interrogate yourself on whether or not you’re putting on brave face because you feel that positivity, or if you just think you’re supposed to. Actually, just think about all of the coping mechanisms your rely on when stressed. Self-awareness will help you address problems should they arise.
6. Gender euphoria can sometimes have a partner feel left behind. Make sure to include them and not get carried away. Share the joy. It’s often the best part!
7. We’re trans. Interrogating gender roles and how we were raised as a different gender (for older trans people) should be easy, right? It’s unfortunately not. It can feel disheartening, and even invalidating, to have to work through gender baggage. For example: Worrying about toxic masculinity. Worrying about how femininity is loaded with “subservient” patriarchal baggage a lot in culture. Etc. Ugh. It’s hard to face that stuff, especially when your own mental habits make you feel like an imposter. But it is necessary. There’s no excuse for things like expecting a wife to just “be cool” with your entire relationship changing, as if she will naturally be accepting (that’s a patriarchal expectation). Or to insist that toxic gender roles are validating and so should be tolerated. Just because we’re trans does not mean we’re exempt.
8. Don’t think that “if I only get this, then everything will be fixed.” That is a trap and projecting an idea that meeting your needs will somehow meet everyone’s. It’s very easy, especially when distressed about medical transition needs, to get fixated (when dysphoria is severe). Transition, arguably, never has a true “end point.” Everyone is different, and so many people realize that after they hit one milestone that another will spring up. Yes, your life will drastically change for the better after getting HRT, or after that surgery, etc. But don’t set it up as fixing everything. If you feel you cannot meet your partner’s needs (emotionally, sexually, psychologically, etc.) due to dysphoria or medical issues, then you’ll need to find a compromise somehow. Or find constructive coping mechanisms. Bring in community or let your partner have some space and autonomy.
9. Oh, boy, here comes a controversial one: “But I am still the same person!” You’re not going to be. I’m not. Then again, no one is. Are you the same person you were when you were 15? Or 20? Have you changed? Yep. Transition will change you, too. Hopefully, in all the good ways (confidence, less depression, etc.). But personality changes can happen. Sexuality changes often do (in terms of drive, etc.). My partner is an extroverted social butterfly now. I no longer identify as asexual. Our tastes and interests have radically changed, because we now have access to everything we denied ourselves. And transition can take years. You are not going to be the same. That’s a good thing. That’s the point! But it’s not a good thing to rely on that crutch above to reassure your partner. Yes, you’re becoming the “real you,” but that means you’re going to change.
10. Let your partner change. Everything I just mentioned? Applies to them as well. Your partner is going to change. While I can’t speak from experience on this point, if they’re cis and heterosexual they’re going to have to probably do a lot of identity confrontation they never expected to do in their lives. Even if they’re not, they’ll need to adjust. Let them, even if it hurts. If they’re trans, do not assume your transitions will be the same. And do not view your partner’s transition as less important, even if they require less medical care. Be present for them.
11. Don’t stop doing the romance. Romance is more important now than ever. If you stop the romance, and then fall into that caregiver trap in number 2? You’re both going to get hurt. It’s easier to maintain the romance than to start over. If the dysphoria is so bad that you don’t want to tell your partner that they’re sexy, can’t be intimate, or just in general feel like shit all the time? Reach out for help. Your partner needs those things.
12. On that note, KEEP LIVING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. I tell you, I wish, wish, wish I had internalized this. Do not make transition your entire life or your partner’s entire life. Transition is overwhelming, and it can be so intensely painful when it’s slow. Hell, transitioning at all is a privilege around the world. It’s denied to most trans people globally. It can be so daunting, so MUCH. It’s easier than you think to have it sneak up on you that it’s your whole life. If you wake up one day and realize you haven’t just gone out with your partner and had some fun in months, you are in serious trouble. Self-care and prioritizing your relationships are really important. So many trans people feel like their life just becomes about waiting and waiting and waiting to start their lives. Do what you can to resist that. While you’re on waiting lists, work on other things. Have hobbies. Focus on work. Go out and have some fun. Transition is still going to happen and be there. Take one thing at a time.
13. Sexuality: It is absolutely reasonable to ask a partner to confront their phobias and explore queerness, or consider that their sexuality is more fluid than they thought (so many people discover that it is!). It’s not ok to assume that their bi/pansexuality means that they won’t need to adjust, or that they are attracted to every person (that is a harmful stereotype). It is also not reasonable to ask a partner to convert their sexuality - there is a line. If there is a discordance in your intimacy, it needs to be addressed with loving care. It’s far better to have transitioning sexuality be around exploration and comparing notes, rather than dictating what sex is going to be like from now on, or avoiding intimacy altogether, etc.
14. Apply everything you’re asking of your partner to yourself. If you’re asking them to accommodate you, accept a change, or work with you on some aspect of your relationship, ask yourself: Would I do this for them?

Medical care, changing bodies, changing attraction, letting go of a social identity, expenses, letting go of preferred sexual activities, etc. Would you do the same for them? Without condition? In a heartbeat?

If the answer is “no,” then you really need to think about that. You really do.

If you do not envision that you would give everything you receive, then I hope you take it from me that you need to re-evaluate. Don’t end up hurting both yourself and your romantic partner because you envisioned a specific post-transition life (that goes for them, too!). Your partner is a person with hopes, needs, and dreams of their own. Long-term relationships involve changing each other on top of changing with each other. Would you do this for them?

You might note that a lot of this advice applies to just about any relationship (most of it is communication, power dynamics, healthy boundaries, etc.). Yup. A lot of relationships go through imbalances or drastic changes, so the advice overlaps. But where being trans comes in is highlighting how the specific stresses of transition, especially medical transition, can prompt people to make these mistakes. Transition can be intimidating. Lonely. It’s very tempting to latch on to your romantic relationship and have it be the salve for it all, or to resent your partner for “being in the way,” in some cases. If you love your partner, if you want “transition” to just become a footnote in your hopefully long history, you’ll take some care to avoid these mistakes.